I try to scramble and make this pen write faster than I can form my thoughts. You are once again the topic on my mind. All the what ifs and all the scenarios that I replay like a broken record before I give up with yet another headache. Mixed up half written thoughts asking questions to the you I once knew because the you that is here is foreign to me. What’s the last book you read? What’s your favorite cookie? What inspires you to become a better man than you were yesterday? Intrigued to know how your love flows but scared that mine will look like baggage. So I stand here not sure of what’s in front of me but ready to share past hurts and current fears. Don’t judge me when the two start to intertwine. Because I lost my voice at one point. Just went with the flow didn’t want to become the “dramatic” girl. Lost my footing and became that girl. Scared to open up because I never wanted to lose a love even if that love was hurting me. Moved on from that place and fell in love with me first. Got my voice back and I know where I stand. Confident in who I am growing to be. So I won’t ask for a fairy tale I just want a love that doesn’t hurt.
Toxic
It amazes me how many people walk around with generational problems on their backs. How many people are in relationships or marriages that are humanly toxic to the very essence of who they are; all because of a generational issue that just goes undiscussed. How many times do you say, “I’m fine” just because in your head it’s easier to be “strong” than it is to be honest. Being an adult and still having fears that someone is just going to find out what is really behind that wall you built and not love you. You carry a hurt and a pain that’s not even yours to own but because your fine and your strong you pick it up and keep it movin. I refuse to do this anymore. I spoke with my grandmother yesterday and it was like a ton of bricks hitting me in the chest. I’m not fine. I’m not ok. I’m worth more than this. And the one thing I refuse to do is pick it all back and act like I am.
Just another day
I have unanswered questions and open ended responses. I have a circle that I wish was just a dot. I have tears that I wish would just stop forming. I have name that sometimes I wish wasn’t mine. I have place I go to when the outside worlds kicks my butt…. A place that I have outgrown but because it fulfills some comfort for me so I keep it. I have things that I wish I could just throw away and other things i wish I could just get back. I wish I could just suck up my emotions and pray that things would be better if i just didn’t care but I can’t. I wish when i spoke to him he actually heard what I said or just cared that my breath tickled my vocal cords to form my voice to say something. There are days when I want nothing where I need nothing. Then there are days when I crave every once of attention and then more because I have given so much of me away.
Idk
I gave up today. I threw my hands in to air and said that’s it. I give up. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying my way I’m tired of failing I’m tired of falling. I know these are all things that we must all go through but you see I don’t think I healed from the last time. I’m just beat. Beat up and beat down. I have a 13 year old that is owning up to all of her 13 year old self. Everyday is a new day to discover her and this old age question of why she won’t speak to me. I have a 10 year old that is walking closer to being a teenager and that worries me because I haven’t gotten a handle on the first one yet. I have two boys that act like twins and people mistake them for twins but they aren’t. They are two very different people who have polar opposite personalities. Not so bad unless I mix them up. And then I have a husband. Not always a bad thing.im sorry to vent I’m just tired and I needed someone to know that
I lost it
I have no idea where it is. I don’t remember losing it I just know that it’s gone. I looked in a few places trying to retrace my steps but it was no use. I can’t find it. Everyone seems to think this is funny. “Oh I think your fine without it” my husband said why are you forcing this out…. Because I want it back and it’s gone. My daughter asked if I was going to the dr. I said for what they don’t give you a new one. I asked my friends and they just continue on with their day as if I didn’t just ask them a question. So if you find my voice please tell it to come home.
Who really likes the dentist
I DO!!!! I really do. It’s so relaxing! Lol I love just laying back a a drifting off to sleep while they do that cleaning business …. Wake me when your done. I just need headphones then I’m in a zone. I’m a mom of four kids any chance I get to grab some extra zzzzz’s I will take them. What I don’t like is taking my kids to the dentist. Today I have two kids to take. WHY!!!! Uuuggghhhh it’s just a cleaning and I never express my disgust with them because I want them to love the dentist just as much as i do. But gosh it’s a process!
7
Today is his birthday. Today is all about him. Honestly yes I can believe that he is 7 and that he is growing up and noticing girls …. Ok maybe that part That part I can believe. Lol but today is his birthday. As all mothers do on their child’s birthday I remember the day he was born. I remember crying when they handed him to me and said it’s a boy. I remember just holding him and instantly falling in love with my son. He is just an amazing little guy. He’s sweet, caring, and God forbid he ever see his mother cry he’s right there to know what’s wrong and who did it. Lol
Today we celebrate the joy that is my son with pizza, ice cream, cup cakes, and of course his gift a bike!
I’m going to pull my hair out
I’m going crazy I just know it. I just know that any moment state hospital is going to come and commit me to an insane part of the hospital. I just know it… Why … Why you may ask because I have 13 year old that’s why!!!!!!!!
What a morning
It’s only 10:30am and already it has been an exhausting morning. Wake up at 7 to get two little boys ready for school. I need to do my hair and pack my makeup bag (don’t judge me) so I can do that while the boys wait to get into school. My girls are old enough to get ready by themselves. So I do my hair and brush my teeth and wash my face. Run downstairs to iron my clothes and be out the door by 7:45. Drop one kid off, turn around drop the second kid off, and park and wait to drop off the last two by now it’s 8:10. So I do my make up and get out to walk the kids to the door get my hugs and kisses in and get back in the car. It’s 8:25….. My car won’t start…….. Turn it again it won’t start. You have got to be kidding me! So I calls husband hey babe I need you to come get me my car won’t start….. Ok babe call the insurance to get it towed I’m on my way. He gets there just to give me a jump and my car starts!!! Thank you Jesus it wasn’t something like my starter because it’s broke season in my house with holidays and birthdays back to back. So I got to work 20 min late…. No big deal really because all this just hit me that I’m always rushing and I need to slow down sometimes it’s ok to just take it easy
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